So the trailer for this movie just dropped and I am fully ready to jump on the hype train, aircraft, spaceship or any other hype-based mode of transportation.
I won’t pretend to have a lot of insider information on this movie, because I don’t. And to some degree, I’d rather not. The recent leak culture going on disguised as fan excitement isn’t doing good things for the industry. The big reveal of a character six months before a movie releases tickles some people in just the right way, but to me random photos without any real context are the worst sort of spoiler.
But I digress.
Instead, I will just include the trailer, allowing anyone who hasn’t seen it to do so in a single click rather than two or three.
I will also share – perhaps unnecessarily – that I am super-excited about this movie. As I said, I don’t know much about this movie except that I saw the first one. But to me, that’s really enough.
“Guardians of the Galaxy” is one of the few movies that’s had me hyped at every single stage of development. I knew from the first previews that even though I’d never heard of it, I had to see it on opening day. And then my son was born, thus derailing this story quite spectacularly.
(Writer’s Note: In case this wasn’t clear, I don’t consider this a bad trade-off because, hey, free baby.)
But my enthusiasm held for the months it took me to actually go see it, which is pretty rare for me. And when I finally saw it, I wasn’t in any way disappointed. It was, in fact, one of only two movie examples I would classify as “rollicking” – the other being the highly underrated “This is the End.”
And what’s more, it’s something I bought immediately on DVD and have watched over and over since then. That’s not even something “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” can claim. (I did buy the DVD but I’ve only watched it twice since then.) Then again, the movies I tend to watch most often are probably “The Mummy,” “Little Nicky,” “Constantine” and “Hellboy,” so unless you happen to be my wife – who shares my odd tastes – your mileage will almost certainly vary.
I will end with random trivia, because why not?
Vin Diesel was given a version of the script that has English translations of what Groot is saying. The idea is that since his only line is “I am Groot,” he has to stress the words differently or add emphasis depending on the meaning he wants to get across. I found that interesting, but given that it’s a fact about Vin Diesel, I shouldn’t be surprised because everything about that man is inherently interesting.
Kurt Russell is Chris Pratt’s father. (But only in the movie, so far as I know.) No spoilers here. I just thought we’d left the era of “movies with Kurt Russel in them.” And I’m not sad to find out I was wrong.
Reading up on things, it lists a ton of people from the first movie as now being part of the Guardians. I’m not sure exactly what to make of that. So I’ll hedge my bets and say it’s one-half interesting and one-half probably a misunderstanding.
As news of Nintendo’s new NX console continues to not pour in, I’ve decided to focus my efforts elsewhere for a while.
Okay. That’s a lie meant entirely as a segue. I’ve honestly given up on the NX already, because that was my policy with the Wii U about three minutes after I heard it described. It was also my policy during the last year of the Wii’s life cycle, where they’d clearly given up on it but kept saying, “Well, maybe we’ll do another Zelda game or something for it? So, you know, one game released per year is pretty good for a system, right?”
Actually, that’s got a weird sort of symmetry with the Wii U now. “Don’t give up on the Wii U. There’s a Zelda game coming out for it eventually. Maybe? So, you know, one game released every two years is pretty good for a system, right?”
But I digress, which I should probably stop doing while I segue.
I recently watched a video that was basically just thirty upcoming game trailers cobbled together. In hindsight, it’s not a good way to digest the information. Because at the end all you’re left with is a vague sense of confusion and you’ve actually forgotten the name of the game six minutes in that looked sort of interesting. You know the one. It was right after the “Metal Gear” spin-off with zombies. Or maybe any trailer would’ve looked good after that one.
Alas, I’m not here to point out the highlights. Even before I watched this trailer ball I’ve been burned by so many good-looking games in the past that turned out to be garbage that I’m incredibly wary nowadays. And my historical average of deciding which games were worth recommending based on trailers alone is low enough that I don’t think my readers deserve more of my horrible guesses.
No, this is more about game marketing itself.
Game preview articles tend to be a bit better, if only by virtue of not being a series of flashing images of explosions meant to dazzle you without any real substance. But they’re far from perfect. In fact, the thing that prompted this article in the first place was reading several previews and realizing that once I’d scrolled down far enough that the title was no longer visible, it may as well have been a preview of any game coming out in 2017.
But it’s more than just having the information run together after reading so much of it. Even games in wildly different genres (say, first-person shooter versus action RPG) are more or less pulling from the same shared script. And the worst thing is that, in addition to being just copied and pasted, I’m starting to realize that none of the words actually have any meaning to begin with.
Here are a few things I keep seeing in game previews that tell me literally nothing.
“Story-driven” games or games “with a narrative focus.” The more I hear this, the less I’m sure what exactly it’s supposed to mean. After hearing a reviewer say this about “Overwatch,” a game that literally lacks a story mode, I can’t even say that it’s code for “our game has a plot.”
Granted, they have released a number of animations for it that look amazing. But those aren’t part of the game. It’s like the stories in the manuals of NES games. You can make the manual a 160-page comic but if I can’t squint at your pixels and roughly tell what’s going on, it’s not a story.
But even when games have a story, I’m a bit skeptical of developers who tout their games with these words. I’ve never seen a restaurant describe its clam chowder as “so-so.” Yet, I’ve eaten bad clam chowder before. Those experiences have taught me that even if taste didn’t vary from person to person, the last person I’d trust to tell me about food would be the people whose profits hedge on whether or not you eat there. In short, leave the previews to players and game reviewers.
At least when those reviewers acknowledge that to be “story-driven” the minimum price of admission is, you know, having a story.
“1080p,” “4k” or “60 frames per second.” Graphical resolution is a lot like a garnish next to a high-priced meal. I expect it to be there, but it’s probably the least important thing on the plate.
So what’s wrong with having games with fluid animation and graphics so clear they make reality look like I just rubbed sand in my eyes? Well, nothing – at least not inherently. The bigger issue is that frames per second has become a bit of a lightning rod for gamer angst that more or less boils down to one number being bigger than another. That’s when you start to see angry forum denizens post things like, “Oh, sure. The demo clocked at 60fps but the benchmark tests looked closer to 56. And unless you play it on a native 900p, it looks like garbage.”
And I’m just sort of nodding along before asking, “But you still shoot at bad guys and they drop power-ups, right? Or…no?”
In short, I sort of gravitate between not really understanding the Sudoku-like jumble of numbers and not really caring. Because numbers.
And when it comes to 4k, it’s even worse. My TV doesn’t do that. Yet, it’s still too nice a TV for me to put on the curb and drop two grand just to make that set of numbers go higher. And unless I get the new, more special PS4, my games still won’t look better anyway. So when someone says a game plays at 60 frames per second in 4k resolution, I briefly consider the seventeen different things I’d need to upgrade to even notice (one of which being my own eyes) and then go home and admire the pile of $3200 I’m saving.
Oh, right. I had a kid. So…not so much.
“There are lots of collectibles to find!” I’m not sure when adding tedious work to games became acceptable. I’m even less sure of when it became a selling point.
Don’t get me wrong. I like finding secrets. In an excellent game, it can give you a few extra hours of enjoyment on something you’ve beaten in practically every way imaginable otherwise. And when it’s done organically and/or offers fun rewards, it can push those 40 hour games into 60+ hour territory while still leaving you wanting more.
But more often, it’s done in the most slapdash method available. They give you a list with a bunch of greyed-out words that you want to be white. No special character conversations when you find an object. No reward for completing the list. You’d essentially achieve the same sense of victory by turning up the brightness settings on your television.
“An expansive open world to explore.” Okay. Now I’ll preface this one by saying that it’s only a bad thing about half the time. But when it’s bad, it can transform your epic fantasy adventure into little more than a walking simulator.
“The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim” is an above average example of open world success. While it didn’t necessarily manage to make the people living there look like real people who actually exist in between your visits, the world map is insane. Sure. You can beat the main game in something like a few hours if you put on your blinders and go straight ahead. But if you feel like turning over every rock and investigating every run-down shack you come across, well, let’s just say that I never finished doing it. And I’m the obsessive type.
The trick to wide open spaces is putting lots of things in it – especially things totally unrelated to the main quest. Side quests, crafting nodes and teeny tiny Easter eggs can be found almost everywhere. It’s just a matter of picking a random direction and heading that way. Or even just pointing yourself at a random bookshelf, since all the books are actually readable.
Will it be your cup of skooma? Not necessarily. Some people don’t like to read. And once you’re outfitted in top-tier gear and there’s little chance of actually finding something worthwhile in a hidden chest, I realize it loses a bit of its allure. But that still leaves treasure hunts, finding the aftermaths of interesting events and entire villages tucked away just out of sight.
Blackreach, for example, was an entire subterranean country that I just happened upon that had nothing to do with the main story.
As far as bad examples, I won’t throw any games under the bus. But there are more than a few open world games with literally nothing of interest between towns. And while the scenery is sometimes pretty to look at for a while, even that gets boring when you realize there’s no reason to wander off the main roads to go in for a closer look.
Cough. “Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.” Cough.
Okay. So I will throw one game under the bus here, which I hate doing, because I actually really enjoyed the game otherwise. It was fun to play and had very visually distinct and interesting places to walk through. But it didn’t take me long to realize that was largely the extent of it – walking through them. I mean, sure, you got attacked by random enemies. Though, saying that’s actually fun is a little like saying it was fun to move around in Pokemon caves because you ran out of repel and a Zubat is attacking you every three steps.
So…maybe I have a couple games to throw under the bus there.
I’m once again trending toward a column with no solid point at the end, but it is what it is. The gist is this, though. If your game is great, you’ll have more than enough honesty available to sell it. And if it’s lousy, I admittedly understand wanting to talk it up and, you know, actually make some money off the thing you’ve been working on for the past sixteen months.
If I had anything like a point to make here, though, I think it would be a warning to not stray too far from the truth – even when it’s not pretty. Unless it happens to be the last game you plan to make, keep in mind that gamers remember. And they aren’t often kind to liars who bilked them out of $60 when the sequels come out.
Assuming you’ve been online for at least the past fifteen minutes, you’ve probably seen the latest seven or eight leaks for the NX – Nintendo’s upcoming home console.
Okay. That’s an exaggeration. But only just.
Since the NX was first announced, there hasn’t been much official information available. And as almost anyone knows, in the absence of official word, a vacuum is filled by those willing to risk legal action by posting leaked pictures and product specs. Unfortunately, if all of these are to be taken as simultaneously true, then the NX is a seventeen-foot-tall cyborg Tyrannosaurus Rex with a built-in Blu-Ray player that plays flash cartridges by plugging them into its time-traveling water filter.
Of course, it’s just as likely that most (or all) of these supposed leaks aren’t real leaks at all. But (gasp) that would mean people are outright lying online just for the attention. And I’m simply not willing to accept such a bleak worldview.
Whatever the case, there’s no denying that with all these leaks and rumors, it’s gotten hard to keep track of everything. So I’ve done the legwork for you and gathered them all here. You’re welcome.
1) The NX will have the graphical power of a late-model Ford F-150.
2) The NX will wear band shirts for bands it’s never seen in concert. And it didn’t even buy the CDs. It just went on Pirate Bay. Ugh.
3) The NX’s favorite John Hughes movies will be “Maid in Manhattan.” Yeah. I looked it up when I heard the rumor. He seriously wrote that one.
4) The NX will prefer “going Dutch” on dates.
5) The NX will be vegan, but won’t be all in your face about it.
6) The NX will play so-called “video games” using “storage media” via some form of “controller peripheral.” Or so the rumors go. (Seeing Nintendo’s track record, this might be the rumor I’m least sure about.)
7) The NX will be filled with rich, creamy caramel.
8) The NX will be innovative while maintaining a classic feel. Whatever makes people buy it. Or maybe Nintendo will just print “We Made the Wii, Remember?” on all the boxes.
9) The NX’s grandfather is sort of racist. But it’s, like, that folksy racism. And you’re like, “Well, it’s not cool, but as long as he’s only around family it’s sort of funny. I mean, he grew up in a different time, right?”
10) However it pans out, the NX almost certainly won’t be the worst system Nintendo ever made. As long as it’s not the Wii 2 or X or some garbage like that. If that’s the case, God help us.
I realize that list sounds a bit negative and…it is. Look, I’m not what you’d call a fanboy of any system. So I’d be more than happy for Nintendo to make another smash hit like the Wii. But when I say “like the Wii” I don’t mean “literally, the Wii again but with a weird tablet.” Nor do I mean, “like the Wii, in that it relies entirely on some half-assed gimmick no one was asking for.”
So, rather than concluding with some grim assessment of the system’s future failure (like I did for the Wii U half a year before its release), I’ll just say, good luck. And I hope only the good rumors I’ve heard are true.
Basically, not the one where it’s portable and can be taken apart like a pizza so two people can play.
The answer to that question is probably “no.” Or rather, “yes, but there’s an even newer one than the one you’re thinking of….so, no.”
New items are big business now. They were always a thing, but now we’re hearing about these things years in advance, with all the hype and lead-up of a new hit comedy on a major network. And while the outcome (in both cases) is generally disappointment, it’s definitely starting to take up a larger and larger part of my online news feed as something people legitimately think is actual news.
And frankly, it’s wearing a bit thin.
I like new items. In fact, my wife would probably (correctly) say I have an unhealthy interest in them. What I don’t like, however, is the way they’re portrayed in the media – as good or bad in the way that cures for diseases and wars are, respectively.
In short, it’s a list article of the things I’m tired of hearing about new items.
1) I’m tired of hearing that (insert restaurant) has “gone too far.” No one’s denying the world might not have been ready for a bacon-filled sandwich with chicken instead of bread. But it’s fast food. It has the same ability to go too far as a snack-food company, a hardware wholesaler or a roadside sweetcorn seller.
2) I’m tired of hearing that a new item fundamentally changes things. It’s food. As long as it still goes in and out of the same holes, it’s pretty much business as usual.
The guys at Taco Bell didn’t have some eureka moment about putting Cheetos in a burrito after decades of research. They sat twelve guys together in a meeting and asked, “What else can we throw inside a tortilla?” And after three separate people were shouted down for suggesting Fritos, because they’ve already done that, this is what we got.
3) I’m specifically tired of hearing that something is a “game-changer.” What game? This is a matter of personal taste, but this expression gets tacked onto everything from a new taco with a flavored shell all the way to…well, that, but a third kind of flavored shell.
4) I’m tired of hearing about “new” items. Burger joints are especially disadvantaged here, because there are only so many ways to put things between two buns. It’s a similar story for putting things in, on top of and beside tortillas. In most cases, “new” is being pretty generous.
5) And I can’t stand hearing about old “new” items. Just because the reviewer wasn’t alive the first time cheese and bacon stuffed crust pizzas came around doesn’t mean it’s a new item. Is it still delicious? Sure. It was also delicious in 1978, 1982, 1983, 1988, 1994, 1996, 1999, 2004, 2006 and 2011.
6) I’m skeptical when I hear a new item will make me a loyal customer. Specifically because “customer loyalty” is a joke. More specifically because I hear it most about new items at Burger King and Pizza Hut, which are, frankly, jokes in their own right.
Your mileage may vary on this one. But I’ve gotten food poisoning the last three times I’ve eaten at Burger King. At this point, I’m not sure if there’s anything they could put between two buns to even make me chase a rolling quarter inside, let alone actually eat there.
7) Most of all, I’m tired of the wait. I used to be able to see a commercial for a burger with twelve strips of bacon, get in my car and then eat one. The time between learning about it and putting it into my face was often less than forty minutes. And it was a good system.
Nowadays, companies announce items on social media. They open to limited markets in the worst places to live in America. And then, after a year of reviewers talking about it like the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, you might actually get to eat one. I’m not sure I’ll stay excited from one season of Game of Thrones to the next. I don’t know how they expect me to stay excited about the newest combination of two Spanish words at Taco Bell.
And just think of how disappointed I am, after ten months, when it once again fails to change the game.