Conversations with Spam 2

three-kings

Okay. So I haven’t decided how often I want to do these sorts of columns. I like them and reader feedback is pretty good. But I like to keep things fresh and not fall back on the same things over and over again…

That’s what I want to say, but wow. I just got some amazing spam.

If you haven’t seen the last one, I suggest checking it out to get a vague idea what’s going on. For the most part, though, it’s just me responding to spam messages. I mostly point you back to that one because it was pretty funny.

All right. Let’s get this started.

“From: Capt. Kate Lee <z6t19p@kitecu.one>”

Captain? I’m already 100% on board. Let’s do this.

“Subject: Re:Message From US ARMY Medical Team.

Okay. Just a quick side thing? “Re:” doesn’t mean “regarding,” like some people seem to think. When you put it in the subject it literally means that you’re replying to a message I sent you with the same topic. And trust me when I say that I’ve never led a life interesting enough to send someone an e-mail titled, “Message From US Army Medical Team.” I doubt I’d manage, “Message From US Army Chess Team.”

Sigh. More’s the pity, I suppose.

Greetings,

I know you will be surprised to read my email.  Apart from being surprise you may be skeptical to reply me because based on what is happening on the internet world, one has to be very careful  because a lot of scammers are out there to scam innocent citizens and this has made it very difficult for people to believe anything that comes through the internet.”

Yeah. We don’t have to do that whole thing. Pointing out that e-mail scams are a thing doesn’t make me automatically assume your message is legit. It’s just reminding me, in the off chance I happen to open this e-mail while half-asleep, intoxicated and suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, that scams are a thing and this probably is one.

Also…grammar. Catch the fever.

“My name is Capt. Kate Carr Lee. I am a member of the US ARMY Medical Team deployed to Iraq because of the current ISIS problems. I discovered 2 trunk boxes containing American dollar.”

For the record, I’m loving this backstory.

But indulge me. Just a couple things. First off, why are members of the medical team wandering around in a semi-active war zone? I was under the assumption medical officers would be somewhat protected assets. And here you are doing scout missions?

Also, no big deal…but this is the plot of the movie “Three Kings.” I actually liked that movie and all, but swap out gold for American dollar (hopefully more than just the one) and this is the screenplay to that movie. I’m not saying I can blame you for stealing that movie plot, because it had George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg and a little-known rapper by the name of Ice Cube. I’m just saying…respect the craft. This movie’s already been written.

“Am looking for a trust worthy individual who will assist me to receive the funds in his country before l will come over and join the person.  To prove my sincerity, you are not sending me any money because most of these scams are all about sending money.”

Um…hmmm. Wow. There’s a lot to unpack there. Give me a minute.

Don’t you know anyone else stateside? I assume you have friends or family, right? I enjoy unexpected trunks of money as much as the other guy, but wouldn’t it be better to contact someone you can actually…you know, trust?

Also, is me not sending money really a matter of proving your sincerity? Wouldn’t it be more like there being no particularly good reason to ask for money? I mean, you have two trunks filled with it. In fact, is there some reason you’re talking to me at all?

Unless…

Okay. I’ll just get to my point. The bigger concern here is, well, am I misreading the subtext here? “Come over and join the person?” Like, were you planning on coming over here and…I don’t know…trying to start a relationship? Because I’m pretty married. Like, entirely married, actually. To another person and everything. Maybe that was another reason you should have actually reached out to someone with a known identity, rather than just writing e-mails at random.

On the other hand, I appreciate the addition of the romance subplot to “Three Kings.” Because that was the one thing that movie didn’t have. I mean, I always assumed George Clooney and Ice Cube got together years later, after “don’t ask, don’t tell” was repealed. But that was more head canon than anything else…

That being said, if all I have to do is nothing, then…tada! Done and done. When should I expect my trunks of American dollar?

“For reference click the link below

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_military_intervention_against_ISIS

http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/08/world/iraq-options

http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/20/world/meast/iraq-crisis/&#8221;

Wait. Your proof of finding money that you want to share with me is a bunch of two-year-old articles about ISIS and the conflict in Iraq? Listen. I’m not questioning that ISIS is a thing or that there’s a conflict in Iraq. I’m mostly questioning the trunks full of money thing.

There were a few ways you could have gone with this. The first would have been to use news articles not written two years ago. C’mon. If I cited these on a paper, the professor would throw it back in my face and laugh.

Wikipedia? Primary sources, Kate! Sorry. Captain Lee.

The other way would have been to look back through the news articles and found some mention of people and local governments having to leave money and valuables behind as they fled from ISIS. I know that was a thing that happened. And it would have lent quite a bit more credibility to your story. Did this story have to happen in Iraq at all? I don’t know if you’ve read the news in the past two years. (The evidence suggests not.) But there’s more than enough conflict in the Middle East to go around.

“Information below is neccesary, 

  1. Full Name…
  2. Address….
  3. Occupation…
  4. Age……….
  5. Your Telephone Number.

As soon as i received these information i will send more details.”

Just so I’m 100% clear on this. You not only decided to contact a random person instead of someone you knew and could reasonably trust, but you knew literally nothing about me? I mean, my name’s right in my e-mail address. You obviously have access to a computer. Why not Google it? Expend a modicum of effort in your scheme to steal millions of dollars from a country during wartime?

Here’s the thing. You’re suggesting to me that we seize a trunk full of money from an active war zone that, at best, belongs to Iraqi citizens and, at worst, belongs to the Iraqi government. Muddling through military and International law on the subject was near to impossible so I’m short a statute/article number or two, but suffice to say the punishment would be somewhere between ten years in prison for theft and life in prison for one flavor or treason or another.

Oh, and may I note that this prison time may be in Iraqi prison?

Depending on the risks versus rewards, it’s hard to say whether or not this is a worthwhile endeavor. But let’s just be totally honest here. I don’t care if those trunks have a hundred American dollar or a hundred million American dollar in them. You’re a shitty accomplice.

Short of burning the money to alert me via smoke signals, you’ve pretty much done anything possible to derail our little venture. You contacted people at random. You used military channels (i.e. the people you’re hiding this from) to get word out. Between that and plagiarizing “Three Kings,” like word for word, I’m beginning to have serious doubts as to your intelligence as a criminal mastermind.

It’d be like robbing a bank and picking your accomplice from the people milling about out front, and not even bothering to make sure they weren’t wearing a security guard uniform first. Yeesh. It’s like you want to be caught.

Good luck figuring this mess out yourself.

“Best Regards

Capt. Kate Carr Lee”

On the plus side, I’m pretty sure I know what movie I want to watch later…

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