If the Gloves (or Robotic Legs) Fit…

I grew up in an era of video games that left a lot to the imagination.

Okay. To be fair, my first system was an Atari 2600. It’s underselling things quite a bit to say that only a lot of imagination was involved. Most of those games were about 2% blocky graphics and 98% imagination.

Yars Revenge

Except for “Yar’s Revenge” (where you were some kind of…wasp maybe?) and “Q*Bert” (where I just have no idea), which were somehow even worse.

By the Genesis era, things were a bit better. Except that I owned a Sega Genesis and not a Super Nintendo like everyone else, of course. But I guess it was okay. I mean, we had Sonic and…um. Hmmm. Sonic? Oh. And the Streets of Rage trilogy.

I’ve been around long enough to see a lot of the old characters move into the third dimension (some more smoothly than others) and taking on a little more detail than in their early pixelated sprite days. It’s answered a lot of my questions. Though, surprisingly, even with modern artwork I still have a lot of questions about some of these characters.

I’ll start with an easy one.

Knuckles

Does Knuckles have fingers under those gloves? Or is it some kind of weird flipper, like the Penguin in “Batman Returns?” I mean, that would certainly go a long way towards explaining why he hid it under a glove.

For that matter, are those spikes part of his hand, or attached to the glove? It’s about twenty years later and I’m not any closer to knowing. I realize I could worry about things that actually matter, but I was kind of saving all my productive thinking for after I figured out every video game mystery over the past twenty-five years.

Oh. And yes, I realize Knuckles has gloves with individual fingers in Sonic Boom, but that doesn’t really prove anything. For one, that’s an alternate universe. Two, I’m kind of skeptical of using Sonic Boom to prove any point, really.

Star Fox Legs

Does the entire Star Fox crew have robotic legs? And if so, there’s the obvious follow-up question. What happened to their non-robotic legs?

I’ve heard plenty of theories over the years ranging from horrible accidents to having their legs amputated so they could handle G-forces better. (That’s not the way blood works, by the way.) And while every one of those theories acts like they have concrete proof, thus far it’s all hearsay. Granted, some of it seems like fairly educated hearsay, but until I get some official word, I’d take any of those theories with a grain of salt. Especially that one about Arwing chemtrails sterilizing minorities.

My personal favorite theory at the moment is that they need robotic legs to run down that long-ass disco hallway in the intro. Seriously. How long is that hallway? They’re running at a full-out sprint for 26 seconds and it’s still going.

I guess it was either cut off their legs and give them robot parts, or not put the hangar on the opposite side of the ship from the crew quarters for some reason.

Samus

What’s the deal with Samus Aran from Metroid? I’ve heard that if you beat the game fast enough you get to see a Samus with no helmet. Unfortunately, my first playthrough clocked in at about 260,000 hours, which apparently wasn’t good enough. Yeesh. Those games really were “Nintendo hard,” am I right?

Then I had to let the system rest. By the time I turned the Nintendo off it was hot enough to carry on a localized form of fusion usually reserved for the cores of stars.

But now, after thirty years, I finally get to see what sort of weird alien Samus is. Maybe, like, a green dude or something. Hold on. Wow. This guy has really long hair. And a very skimpy bikini. Maybe it’s just what they wear in space.

Wait a minute…

P.S. Oh, also, for the three people who remember Yar’s Revenge, I found modern artwork for it. Check this weirdness out.

Yars Revenge3

So I guess you’re not a wasp? You’re, like, a guy in a mech…or…yeah. I’m not seeing it.

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