Unleashing your Inner Terrible Person – On Narrow Roads

How often have you been in this situation?

Due to some baffling government oversight that prevents all roads from being luxurious five-lane super-highways, you’ll occasionally find yourself on a narrow road with cars on both sides. It’s tight, but you take it slow and steady to avoid clipping off peoples mirrors (which due to another baffling government oversight, isn’t legal). Then, just when you think you’re home-free, bam!

Not…literally bam. I mean, you didn’t crash. You’re okay. Don’t worry.

No, it was the metaphorical crash of realization that hits you. The road has gone from narrow to entirely impassible. This is your life now, just parked in the middle of the road because some jag-off decided to park three feet from the curb.

The real question becomes, why settle for being the inconvenienced driver when you could be that jag-off?

Of course, there’s an art and soul to being a truly terrible person. And that means I can’t hold your hand the whole way. But I can give you a few ideas to get you started. From there, it’s up to you to get in your super-wide truck and find your own path…to block off, like a total prick.

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Scylla and Charybdis
The classic. You’ll need to find another vehicle parked just a little too far from the curb. Then, it’s as simply as parking directly across from it, just a little too far from your own curb. Try to give oncoming traffic exactly one inch of clearance on both sides – enough to drive them insane but wide enough that they could theoretically make it through. And when they ask you to move, look at the gap in confusion and shake your head, muttering about “kids learning to drive” these days.

Or, better yet, try parking nowhere near your house so it’s impossible to find you at all.

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The Zipper
You might need a bit of help for this one. Then again, I can’t possibly imagine people who park like this have friends. So you may have to improvise.

Alternate several parked vehicles from one side of the road to the other, all parked just a bit too far from the curb. The trick is to leave just enough of a gap that someone trying to get through will have to zig-zag through like some horrible, horrible slalom. Points, naturally, will be awarded for those who complete the course in the least time.

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The “One Minute” Hour
I suppose you’re wondering, why just make the path narrow when you can block it off entirely?

Well, the simplest answer is that you’d get towed. Hence, the finer arts of road blockage. You have to block it off thoroughly enough to be an awful human being but not so much that your victims are forced to call the police. Unless you want to go to the impound lot and scream at someone for something that was 100% your fault in the first place. Which, I suppose, is its own sort of douchey fun…

This method takes the best of both worlds, though. All you do is park in the middle of the road (preferably between two parked vehicles so there’s literally no way to go around you). Don’t respond to the angry honking. Just wait for them to get out and come up to your car to talk to you. At this point, just apologize and say you’re waiting for a friend inside and you’ll only be a minute. Emphasize that the wait will be so short that there’s no reason for you to even pull your car forward. You’ll be out of his way momentarily.

Step two: Stay in his way until hunger forces you to forage.

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Just Walking around in the Street (a.k.a. My street)
Or, you could just forgo the car. And the sidewalks. You know, those things literally built for pedestrians to walk on.

Being much smaller than a car, you’ll have to try a lot harder to block off the entire roadway, but be creative. Linger in the narrow spaces. And in the wider spots, try walking around with six of your friends – all in one gigantic super-row. Then, if a driver pulls up behind you and in any way insinuates you’re blocking their way, stop walking all at once and glare at them. If they insist on passing through (sigh), groan and very, very slowly walk to one side of the road.

Why are you in the center of the road? Isn’t it less convenient than the sidewalk in every conceivable way? These are questions for the philosophers, it seems.

That should be enough ideas to get started. Just remember to go out there, think outside the box (and at least one foot away from the curb) and have fun with it! A very oddly-defined, not even particularly pleasant sort of fun.

For…whatever reason.

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